Sweet temptation

Sweets. My ultimate weakness. Well that and staying snuggled up in bed each morning until I absolutely have to get up. But health wise it's cakes, cookies, desserts, chocolate - you name it and if it has sugar in it I want it. So when I set my goal for consistency, the number one dot point I wrote in my diary was to consistently eat less sweets. Seeing as I can count on a plentiful dessert on Sunday night each week I thought perhaps I could limit myself to just that.

So I patiently shared my goal with he who shares my house and gently suggested he do what he can to help me with my resolve. Nothing huge, no change in his routine just perhaps not planting the remains of last nights dessert in a prominent place in the kitchen and asking if I want some.

So within half an hour of our conversation, without saying a word, the creamy apple pie from the day before was on the bench, with one slice carefully plated up. As I got ready to go to rehearsal the entire pie remained on the bench, untouched while he sat right next to it surfing the web.

Upon returning home around 10pm, the plate with the slice had vanished but the rest of the pie still sat in the same spot on the bench. Now that seemed like in your face temptation to me. And yet, in a bizarre un-me like state, I wasn't tempted. Apparently I had made up my mind to stick to my goal in that special way, the one in which I can't be talked out of my decision even by the sweet siren call of creamy apple pie.

Now I can only explain my sweethearts behaviour as either; a) male complete absent mindedness or; b) he's worried soon I shall have more muscle definition than him. The most likely option is a however upon returning home yesterday he started doing chin ups and push ups. I'm sure that has nothing to do with me walking around the house proudly pointing out my biceps and gloating.

Well so far I have remained consistent, but what if my resolve falters at some point? How can I encourage more helpful behaviour from others? Does it actually make any difference or should simple resolve be enough? Have you gotten others to help you with your goals and how?

Time for new goals

Egg yolk creation
Thanks very much for the suggestions for egg yolk recipes. It occurred to me yesterday that there is a thing called google with tons of recipes when faced with a recipe dilemma. Actually, it reminded me of my mom who always asks us to find the information she wants for her - a google phobia perhaps? Anyway, I will probably keep referring back to the answers regularly, because I constantly end up with an oversupply of either egg yolks or whites.

After "borrowing" my sisters latest Vogue Entertaining + Travel and drooling, I mean looking at the pages I came across a brilliant recipe for a creamy apple pie that required egg yolks. Yet again I was asked to make dessert on Sunday so I tried the recipe. It was the most wonderful dessert I think I have ever tasted. And you know that equation fat sugar fat, well this one had a slight variation of fat sugar apples sugar fat. It was probably the most unhealthy thing I have ever made but holy crap it tasted good. Oh look is that a flying saucer at the window.

Shaking things up
Despite the cold overnight temperatures, I found myself back in a singlet this weekend as I painted door frames. Yes, this is my idea of winter - clear skies, sunshine and warm days! I figured that my fears over the approaching summer are not entirely unfounded seeing as soon the evenings will be warm again and it will be time to hit the beach. Now that I feel like I'm being honest about where I want to get in the next 6 months I've decided it's time to set some new goals.

My aim to begin with was to lose about 10% of my body weight in 6 months which I did. Then I started running and I am now nearing the end of the Couch to 5K being at week 8 (out of 9). If this was all simply about the way I felt I would be perfectly happy not to do anything more and just maintain, but it's been my dream to one day be in my best body. I have never in my life been anything approximating lean so the definition of 'best' is yet to be seen as well as being proportional to the amount of effort I am willing to put in.

The first 6 months were rather laid back - after all 6 months to lose about 7kg or 15lbs is a long time. But for the first time ever, it actually worked because I never had to be perfect. I could happily take 2 steps forward 1 back and learn along the way. The last few weeks with all the sweets made me realise that my approach was really successful for me in part because I didn't gain any weight which I take as I sign that I've learnt to balance out what I eat intuitively. No, I realise it's not healthy when I substitute calories from healthy food for sugar.

Now though, I'm getting bored with being constantly in 'I'm trying to lose weight' mode. It's time to shake up my relaxed approach a little and finish what I started. Each time I think about that I freak out and wonder if I should be following some kind of nutrition plan or start counting calories or go Primal. I am really scared of not being able to move past the point that I'm at now.

Still, I've come this far on the principle that I figure out what is best for me at a given time, so I am not ready to hand over the reins and follow just yet. And besides I'm fairly confident I know what I need to do to reach my goal. MizFit talked about it last week on Jen's blog - consistency. That is something that I am not. Over a long time frame that wasn't too much of an issue, but in the shorter term consistency is crucial to achieve a deficit.

The Goal
So from today for a period of 6 weeks my goal is to be consistent with regular strength training and eating in a way to achieve a calorie deficit. Seeing as I don't like keeping a food journal, I'm going to steal Cammy's idea of writing down splurges. Hopefully that will be a whole lot less work! And so far today, nothing to report.

A bowl of lonely egg yolks

Since the end of June, life has been very unsettled. Seeing there was nothing I could do to console their grief, I turned to the only thing I could remember that helps at times like these - food. I started doing an inventory in my head of everything I have cooked and especially all the sweets that I've made in the last two and a half weeks. Quite apart from the hospital visits and funeral arrangements, we've had three birthdays in the family and one of a good friend. I could write a whole essay about how important food is in nourishing the body as well as bringing comfort, but most importantly I think in the last few weeks it's brought people together and it has given me a purpose. Anyway here is an inventory of the sweets.

It all started on the last Sunday in June when my sister gave us the leftovers of a pound cake, a puff pastry chocolate slice and cheesecake she had made. The following day, pound cake and the puff pastry chocolate slice just seemed like a good idea at 2am on return from the hospital. Sleep deprived the next morning and armed with a packet of traditional German gingerbread cookies for all and sundry, the sweets slowly started to vanish from the fridge.

The following day was cheesecake (leftover from Sunday) for my birthday along with tiny caramel mud cake muffins that we gave away to my brother in-law the following day for his birthday. That night we had mandarin parfaits.

On Saturday the third course was stewed pears with rhubarb and cream. For our usual Sunday night dinner my Mom made custard with fresh strawberries. The following night was Viennetta at my mother in-laws and on Tuesday was a friends birthday. Her partner had forgotten completely so again I tried to heal with food - this time I opted for low fat chocolate cake and passionfruit melting moments.

Wednesday at the in-laws was carrot cake followed by two days of reprieve. The remaining melting moments may or may not have been eaten during this time. Realising the fact that the sweets were going to continue to be made I started to opt for healthier options especially after Tuesdays chocolate cake success. Saturday, dinner with the in-laws and a low fat walnut, chocolate and date pudding. Again on Sunday my parents came around and this time I tried Mark's Primal Custard.

Tuesday and again dinner with the in-laws. This time I made low fat lime cheesecake. Finally yesterday; my husband's birthday and a whole plate of chocolate orange cupcakes with maple frosting all for him (and me). I don't know if I hopped that writing this down would help dull my cravings for more sugar. If that was the intent, it has certainly worked, but now I have another pressing issue.

The problem with the low fat desserts has been the leftover egg yolks. I can think of two things to do with them - hollandaise sauce or custard. Have you got any suggestions?

The guilty truth

I didn't quit. I did the full run because even though I told myself that I could stop when it got too much, I didn't. I couldn't. Once I was there doing it, I pushed on to the end because I really wanted to finish this programme flawlessly. And as if to add an extra incentive the universe conspired to put a $20 bill across my path in the last 10 seconds of my run. There was no one else around. If I had quit I wouldn't have even gone down that path.

I've found a strength training programme that I really like. It's the 'Get an Action Hero Body' from Valerie Waters. Despite the seemingly easy, low weight exercises, I sweat more doing one set of each circuit than when running.

I started doing it in the first place because of a lingering fear - summer, bikini season. It was 10 degrees Celsius inside the house this morning and I'm scared of a bikini. That seems so stupid to me, as does the nagging doubt that I might fail and that this summer might end up being no different than every other. And yet, I've been twisted up inside for months now about my vanity - it shouldn't matter what I look like; it's about being healthy; don't hold yourself simply to how you look in a bikini.

These fears sit so uncomfortably next to the idea that I can accept my body the way it is. Honestly the less there is of it the more I like it and I still wish that it could be firmer, slimmer, stronger, better. So I love my body, but......Unconditional self love? I don't think so. It feels so wrong to admit the truth that a big part of what I really want is to look better.

Having my ass kicked

My husband has a shirt from New Balance that reads:

Enjoy sitting on your butt.
Because I'm gonna
kick it in a few hours.
- RUNNING

Mostly I really love this shirt but these last few days, not so much. It was the first 25 minute run last week and my butt officially considered itself whipped. Now it's a whole new week of all 25 minute runs. I'm terrified.

Last week was awful. The wind was strong and I felt incredibly weak - I barely made it. Now I'm trying to put off the runs for later in the week. Actually I feel like quitting. I feel like it's all too much for me, that maybe I was delusional in thinking that I could ever run.

I was mesmerised by one of the frequently asked questions on the Couch to 5k website - why do people drop out during the C25K? Now I have the answer.

Still, it's better to be challenged and push through it, then give up the minute the going gets tough. That's not the new me....I hope.

Half way

In the middle of a bridge in Morocco

Last week was the middle of the year. It was the middle of my running program. My birthday. I wanted to do an update, a wrap up of the first half of the year. A look towards new goals. A new blog design. Life intervened. It does that sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about health the last week. Spending time in a hospital does that. I realise there are no guarantees in life.

We talk a lot about health here, creating lasting change. Are we talking about a better life? Does health in the way we speak of it do this for us? Looking back at the last 6 months, I answer with a resounding yes.

These months have changed me not just my body. I live the way I do because it feels great. I've improved my quality of life. My fears of what I would need to become to be healthy were unfounded. But I don't do this for health, I do it because I love it.

Fear does not bind me to health. I don't try to control the way I live because I fear that my actions will make me sick or fat. Sometimes a date with a cake makes me happy. I forgive and that is health. This is a peaceful place, this is bliss.

The last week has made me realise that I wouldn't change anything. How about you?

Just keep running

A relative is very sick in hospital. Our lives are paused, watching, waiting at his ups and his downs. Monday already. A week since the phone call. Witnessing the pain and grief, so many thoughts and unanswered questions about life, health, the soul, even love float through my thoughts.

I wake before dawn each morning. Just keep running, I remind myself. Today before the hospital, the day after from the hospital. Do what needs to be done, then run. Mark the passing days by when you last ran.

A burst of endorphin filled joy at the first 20 minute run. Quelled. Too much pain in the faces of those close to me. A small success that seems suddenly insignificant. More questions about hopes, goals and failure.

Food. A shared meal and a laugh. No one should be alone. Do something to help. You can't take away their pain, at least feed their body. Walk, run, take them outside to bathe in the last rays of the sun. A glowing red sunset - a reminder of life as we witness the quiet embrace of death.

Just keep running, today and the day after.