Someone please pass me a celery stick

I hope you all had a lovely long weekend, celebrating or not celebrating Easter. We (my stomach and I) had a great time away in lovely Tenterfield with its autumn colours, rolling countryside and stunning National Parks. For the second year in a row my family spent the four days down there in a couple of little cabins tucked away next to a creek, enjoying camp fires, singing, bush poetry and our usual Polish Easter traditions. Specifically, that would be food and lots of it. For my family, both Christmas and Easter mean feasting. Not because of Lent or feasting on Good Friday and Easter Saturday, but because these are the only two times of the year that we make traditional Polish food. At some point many years ago, we began experimenting with the food of our new homeland - the food of others. We started cooking Italian pastas, Thai curries, Portuguese fish and any mix of food from around the world that is so readily available in Australia. Slowly but surely, Polish food faded off the menu of everyday cooking and now appears only twice a year when we gather to feast. By the end of breakfast, everyone usually holds their bellies, muttering that they really need a nap now, because eating has been so exhausting. Instead my sister pokes and prods us all and we go for a shortish walk to 'gently exercise our stomach muscles'.

This year was no different, but it turns out that I am different or more specifically my stomach. Before the trip I enquired as to who would be bringing he snacks, fruit and veggies. After much mockery at my expense, my family couldn't fathom why I would want to bring celery sticks, reassuring me that there would be plenty of food. Reflecting on their jokes about my eating habits, I thought that perhaps I was over reacting and I could in fact just stick with what the group was eating.

Unfortunately it turns out I can't and I'm not sure if that's a reflection on my strangeness or theirs. My eyes still water thinking about a 'salad' that was made primarily from potatoes or the half eaten brown avocado handed to me when I enquired as to the availability of more fresh produce. Argh, what have I become!?! Furthermore, feasting feels ghastly. Who would ever have thought that I would one day actually want to feel hungry? It is really fascinating how the body adjusts to eating patterns. At one stage in my life I thought my body loved fat and sugar and that was how things were going to be. Now my two day headache proves that sugar and I are not friends. I used to be able to happily overeat and sure I didn't feel great for a little while, but not 3 days! And Sundays feast was nothing compared to last year, when while 'gently exercising my stomach muscles' I felt like I was going to vomit. What puzzles me, is how few little changes I have made and yet the side effects are huge. The body is indeed a fascinating thing and by constantly adapting, apparently I haven't got it figured yet and I need to keep listening. That or perhaps not making the sugar mistake so often. Either way....where did I put those celery sticks....

Surprising myself

Thank you for all the fabulous suggestions from the last post. Here is how they have played out.

Things that make you go Huh?
It’s normally your partner or a close friend that surprises you. Sometimes they say things or do things that you just wouldn’t expect and you think to yourself ‘wow! I thought I knew them’. Rarely do you expect that from yourself, but it turns out that this week has been full of it!

• On Monday, I figured I’d give the jogging thing another chance. So I started and at first it was hard but then I just kept going. For 15 minutes until the destination I had set myself. For someone who hates jogging and doesn’t consider herself very fit, I was shocked. When I got home, I felt this incredible sense of empowerment and calm. It was so bizarre.
• On Tuesday, I went to a Body Balance class at the local gym. Walking away after the class I was disappointed that it wasn’t a whole body workout because everywhere north of my belly button didn’t get worked. So before dinner I grabbed some weights and finished off what the class had started.
• And this morning, I awoke at 5:30am (an hour earlier than usual) bouncing off the walls so excited about going interval training. When I came home, bathed in sweat I proceeded to grab some dumbbells, my yoga mat and started strength training. I thought ‘who is this person?’

On interval training
I was usually totally put off by the idea because the instructions were always so convoluted. They either changed from day to day or week to week and I have no idea how you are supposed to walk effectively with the instructions in one hand, stop watch in the other, whilst monitoring you heart rate. So I never bothered. I was intrigued when I read about using the outdoors to create an interval course and I figured that would suit me perfectly. So I embraced stairs, park benches, the timber rails along the sides of bike paths, dirt patches, surface changes, hills and any other thing that got my attention. And I had a wonderful time! It got me out of my head (apart from the occasional ‘who is this person’ thoughts) and focused on how I could push my body. I made up little ‘rules’ like every time I saw a dirt patch on the oval I would skip really fast or when I left the bike path I had to jog or I would jump over all the timber rails in one section or run along them in another. Each time I caught my breath after these bursts I would find a new activity to amuse myself and get my heart rate up. I presume that that is the idea of the usual instructions, but this was so much more natural and in tune with my environment which dovetails neatly with my cardinal rule of listening to my body and responding.

The other thing that worried me was not working hard enough both during cardio and weights. I am usually the first to go ‘too hard, I’m outta here’ but the class on Tuesday showed me how great it felt to push your limits. So what I found worked for me was:

• set goals based on landmarks like ‘I’ll jog the length of these rails’ or skip fast until I get tangled up 5 times.
• when doing yoga standing poses (or something where there isn’t a particular number of repetitions) play music that has regular changes in it like long rifts of music with no lyrics so the goal might be to hold the pose until the singing starts again.

I had so much fun pushing myself that I can’t wait to do it again. And when I reflect on my sore muscles I keep asking myself ‘who is this person’?

Conclusion
All of this has made me wonder about the person I actually am. If this peculiar being inside of me who is loving pushing herself physically really is me, then where has she been hiding for the last 15 years? Can we really hold ourselves back this much based on our beliefs of ourselves? Before I started walking regularly, I was sure of two things about myself; I don’t like pushing my body hard physically; I need to exercise because it’s healthy and has weight loss benefits but I may never love it. Two ideas that I have held for a long time, shattered in just one week.

I am really interested to see how my love of exercise develops especially over the coming days. We are spending a long weekend at the beach and I’ve always said I would be fit and healthy if I lived by the sea. But when on holidays I usually have to drag a very grumble bum out the door to do anything physical except for soaking in the ocean or pool. Is this the end of lazy me? We shall see. In the meantime on a very philosophical note, I’m curious to know are humans really the empty vessels that can be anything we want to be? Are our dreams are reflection on what is within us even if it seems distant from reality?

No sugar challenge and the aftermath

So here was the plan. Sagan at Living Healthy in the Real World took on the challenge of a week with no added sugar. When I read her first post about her intentions I thought ‘wow that’s so cool, I always wanted to try that’ and what better incentive than when someone else has set the guidelines! I figured I could manage a week, from Sunday to Sunday without too much trouble. And true in spirit to limiting anything in life, on Saturday I indulged guilt free in a delicious dessert figuring that I will more than compensate with a whole week of no sugar.

Sunday morning clicked around and what was my first thought when I woke (apart from ‘I wonder what’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks today, tomorrow and the rest of the week’)? ‘Hmmm no sugar for a week…that’s gonna be tough….that means like, no chocolate powder on my cappuccino at breakfast….or cranberry juice…or piece of chocolate at random intervals throughout the day!!! But I NEED sugar…..my cravings…..think of my cravings…..I’m going to turn into a deprived lonely….probably today….or definitely tomorrow…’ So within about 30 seconds of waking I decided to ditch the sugar challenge! The same thing happened on Monday morning and then Tuesday came around.

By Tuesday I was equally freaked out by the idea of limiting my sugar intake, but at breakfast I figured I would survive without the aforementioned chocolate on my cappuccino. So, one meal down 20 to go. With lunch fast approaching, I again convinced myself that I could go without any sugar for this meal and again succeeded. Finally, after dinner I declined dessert, instead opting for a rooibos tea, which is quite a sweet tasting tea so it was moderately satisfying. In any case, I was proud that I had made it through a whole day with no sugar!

After the usual panic on Wednesday morning, I attempted the same approach, dealing with the sugar issue at each meal and not focusing on a whole week or even a whole day without sugar. Little baby steps took me through that day, Thursday and Friday. The challenge was going well, albeit a little delayed, until Saturday unleashed the three year old in me.

Weekends always take my best laid plans down and this one was no exception. It was a friend’s three year old’s birthday party. I was most impressed that all the party food was really healthy (think little dark bread sandwiches with veggie toppings) and I thought that with a bit of determination I could even turn down the cake. Until it came out that is. It was a volcano shaped cake with ‘lava’ pouring down the side and little chocolate coated ‘rocks’ at the base. I should’ve planned ahead better I know, because the cakes at this kids parties are always so awesome that the three year old in me shrieks with delight (on the inside of course!) and crowds in with all the kids watching hawkeyed to make sure I get my fair share. Well, chocolate cake with chocolate covered rocks was no exception. And that was how my sugar challenge ended after only 4 days! Just to remind me of my broken promise to myself, I had a bad headache for the rest of the day and some of the following and I was utterly exhausted. Hello sugar hangover….again!

Nonetheless, I have been very pleased at the good humour I have displayed toward myself when in breach of the goals I have set for myself and this weekend was no exception. I think this stems from the fact that I aim to learn something each time I fall down. This has been really helpful whenever a similar situation has come up because I have acquired some piece of wisdom previously and therefore been able to better deal with the situation. So what did I learn through this sugar challenge:

1. Break down each new habit I want to form so that progress can occur in little steps rather than focusing on the enormity of the change required
2. Find a healthy replacement for your cravings if possible
3. Learn something each time you fall down
4. Volcano shaped chocolate cake is beyond my powers of self control

This week I am planning to take this step by step approach in limiting the amount of wine I drink. I spoke with my mom about the study indicating that women increase their chance of cancer by drinking alcohol. Despite the study she has come to the conclusion that perhaps she should drink less and as she said this a tiny voice inside my head screamed ‘no this can’t be happening….if my mom believes that she should drink less, that means I should too….and I know I should study or no study. At this point I do feel the need to clarify that I only have ½ to 1 glass of wine per night. The problem is that wine drinking is a very powerful habit that means I drink every night despite the fact that alcohol free days are advised. In her very healthy approach my mom decided that she simply needed to replace wine with another drink and changing her habit wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve thought the same, however I hadn’t found a healthy alternative. In her all knowledgeable healthy ways, she suggested mineral water which she has already used to decrease her wine intake. Some people make it look so easy! So cheers to a week with no wine.

What did you learn from your mother?

It’s said that your mother can influence the way you feel about your body. If she openly criticised hers then her daughters are more likely to feel bad about theirs. But what about food? Does the way your mother eats impact you also? From my experience I would have to say yes. I know I didn’t get my body image issues from my Mom, but I do know that her eating habits have rubbed off on me. Well, at least in my dreams they have. See, I truly believe that losing and maintaining weight isn’t about counting calories, points or even attempting to balance carbs and proteins. I believe in earnest that a healthy diet (and by that I don’t mean dieting) can incorporate all food without needing to label it as bad or naughty. So where did I get my attitude towards food from? My Mother.

She is a woman who I have never seen refuse any food because it might be ‘fattening’. She has never dieted before or controlled what she eats. She regularly enjoys a little sweet treat, a glass of wine or some creamy cheese. What she does do is stop eating when she is satisfied and only eats when hungry. She will regularly save a bit for later and guard it closely if by chance its cake. Getting outside and being active is something she does for the love of it rather than to work out. I am totally in awe of my Mother as she is a perfect role model for how I want to live. It helps sharing the same genes, body shape and knowing how she does it!
For better or for worse, looking to our mother’s may just be the place to find out a bit about ourselves wether it’s attitudes to our bodies or food or what may be ahead of us as we age. What have you learnt from your Mom?

It's ok to fail

A perfect life is something that we strive towards, after all isn’t that what New Year’s resolutions are; changing something you don’t like about yourself. And if year after year we tell ourselves that we need to change then we carry over to our daily lives that feeling that we need to be perfect and aren’t. When we decide that this year will be the year we become healthy (guilty!) we strive towards control over ourselves. We set boundaries by defining what health or a weight loss program is for us, even if we don’t follow a traditional diet. And while we are in control, everything is ok, but when we lose that control, we feel like we failed, fell off the wagon, sabotaged ourselves. We have all experienced what happens next – throwing in the towel, saying that this diet isn’t for us, feeling like a failure and so eating even more and saying horrible things to ourselves.

Now if you are reading this, then you are probably a human being like me. You are probably living a life that isn’t perfect, because unfortunately life just doesn’t happen that way. No matter how annoying or painful that is, it’s a good thing, because the challenges in life are what make us grow and come to realise what is most important to us. It doesn’t really matter what the original reason was either, wether an event that was out of our control, throwing our emotional state out, time pressure which meant we weren’t able to follow through with our resolve or self sabotage. Any situation that throws us off course requires the same response, accepting ourselves.

Eventually our lives return to an equilibrium where we must face up to the choices we made in dealing with our crisis and the impact they had on our goals. In the thick of it, the easiest answer is to give up, but when we simply accept that we aren’t perfect, that things happen in our lives and sometimes our response is not ideal, then it’s easier to return to our good habits. This is part of the process of learning to love and respect yourself and providing room for failure to enable growth and learning. The worst thing we can do is punish ourselves for being human and for being imperfect. Here are a couple of strategies that might be helpful:

1. If you are breaking one of your boundaries, realise it, decide if you still want to keep going and if you do, accept that that is the choice you made. Making a conscious decision is very empowering because you give yourself permission to proceed rather than feeling out of control when you realise halfway through a 2L bucket of ice cream what you are doing. Which brings me to point two.
2. Avoid negative self talk and if you don’t know how the strategies invest some time into learning them. It will probably be the best investment for your mental health and self esteem you can make. Of course, apart from the theory you need to apply it – that’s the bit I always struggle with (read: don’t do) but just the knowledge has helped.
3. Keep asking yourself, gently, if you are still making the right choice based on how you are feeling.
4. Don’t vow to make up for the episode. Perhaps you’ve taken a step backwards if you are trying to lose weight, that’s a part of life and aiming to work harder to make up for it is more likely to be a discouragement to a return to a healthy lifestyle. The problem is that it’s like punishing yourself because you are a human being. If you manage to graciously accept your failings then you have learnt a whole lot more than what sticking to your course might have done.

At least this is what I have come to realise, over the last few very sad days. Between tears, I would gobble up bowls of ice cream, chocolate covered honeycomb and hot chocolates. While I knew that this wouldn’t make any difference to the hurt inside and I would probably even feel worse from a sugar overdose, I still did it. I accepted myself while making those choices and today when I feel better I’m still ok with my response (despite the added kilo’s that I have no desire to check on) and am returning to the healthy habits that I’m creating. It actually makes me happy to realise that this is in stark comparison to what would have happened in the past.

But I’m curious if there is anything I could have done differently or is occasional emotional eating just a part of life as much as emotional experiences are? It’s the classic female cliché, reaching for a block of chocolate and a chick flick to unburden our feelings, but is it really ok or is there a better option? Would we be better off to deal with our feeling the way men do? Have you found a good way to deal with emotions without reaching for the freezer door?

'Before' pictures that say a thousand words

Repeatedly health experts have suggested taking ‘before’ photos at the start of a new exercise and diet regime. These photo’s serve as a testimony to progress, when after weeks or months the newly slimmed down exerciser can compare the body they previously had to the one they have today. When presented in a before and after format, someone elses success can be motivation in itself to begin our own transformation. Alternatively before photo’s can strengthen a commitment to a program by showing the magnitude of the problem from all angles. They no doubt be a powerful tool as part of a weight loss program, but they can also be part of the reason for failure.

Take a close look at some of the before photo’s. Look carefully and consider what you see. Do the people carry themselves well? What’s is the expression on their faces? Do their eyes sparkle? Take a look at your own before photos if you have ever taken them. How do you feel looking at yourself? Do those images represent people who are happy with their bodies regardless of the way they look?

The road to failure of a health regime is paved amongst other things with a lack of self-esteem. It’s without an appreciation for the marvel that the human body is that we can harm them so much by not exercising, eating junk food or berating them and then justify our behaviour. It’s not surprising because we are taught to believe that an ideal body can be achieved through willpower rather than through gentle care and nurturing tenderness. Eventually everyone falls off the wagon of a healthy lifestyle, but it’s much easier to get back on if the underlying reason is a respect for your body. But why would you want to nurture an ugly body? It’s like learning to love spiders, some people do, but most think they are best dead.

It is difficult to appreciate your body the way it is today regardless of shape or size. But learning to love your body makes sticking to a healthy lifestyle and losing weight easier because the motivation isn’t based on appearance alone. By appreciating the body you have, the effort you put in to caring for it is worth it regardless if it’s reflected in the way you look. And generally by eating well and exercising your body will reflect the level of care you give it.

So forget about the before photo or hide it somewhere well out of sight and photograph instead the parts of your body you do like. Stick these on the mirror so each time you walk past you are reminded of what you like about yourself. Eventually, your might finding that your love sneaks away from just the bits you like to all of you.

Have you learnt to love your body despite its imperfections? What helped you along the way? Or do you still struggle to accept yourself as you are?

Teaching children

Many of my friends are pregnant or have newborns. Children scare me, because I don’t understand them as I have had little to do with them in my life. For me, each meeting is a moment of learning – how small they really are, what makes them cry, seeing them grow, begin to smile, feeling peaceful when they fall asleep in my arms. I look down on their tiny little bodies, perfect hands, scrunched up faces, curled up legs. All they seem to want is to be held, close to the heart, warm and secure. They feel pain and they don’t understand it. Their body isn’t quite under their control – those arm things flinging around grabbing some hair, a poke in the eye, but mostly just air. Then they become conscious of this strange body, they can roll, then crawl, walk, and soon run. Every time I see these tiny little people I wonder if one day they will look down and think ugh. Look at those hips or those thighs or that belly. Will these little bodies, that seemed so perfect to their parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts and all those who cared about them become an object of self loathing? Will these kids cry in the arms of those who love them, bewildered at how anyone could find their bodies anything but repulsive?

Part of the reason I decided that I desperately needed to improve my own body image and habits were for my children. Since all my friends began conceiving my husband and I have talked a lot about our own future babies, he dreams of them and I don’t. Looking at my friend’s children I became fearful of the thoughts about body image that I may pass onto my own kids in the future. I worried about teaching them how to have an unhealthy relationship with food, exercise and how to go through life always unhappy with your weight. I shudder to think bringing a baby into this world and teaching them to create the same suffering for themselves as I have made for me.

I realised that although the baby plan may be at least a few years in the future, improving my body image and creating healthy habits was something I needed to start doing now. So here I am, working on becoming a healthier happier person, so that one day I can lead by healthy example. I just wonder, is it enough? Since I didn’t get my self-esteem issues from my mother, so what else needs to be done to raise children with a positive self-image?