Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The guilty truth

I didn't quit. I did the full run because even though I told myself that I could stop when it got too much, I didn't. I couldn't. Once I was there doing it, I pushed on to the end because I really wanted to finish this programme flawlessly. And as if to add an extra incentive the universe conspired to put a $20 bill across my path in the last 10 seconds of my run. There was no one else around. If I had quit I wouldn't have even gone down that path.

I've found a strength training programme that I really like. It's the 'Get an Action Hero Body' from Valerie Waters. Despite the seemingly easy, low weight exercises, I sweat more doing one set of each circuit than when running.

I started doing it in the first place because of a lingering fear - summer, bikini season. It was 10 degrees Celsius inside the house this morning and I'm scared of a bikini. That seems so stupid to me, as does the nagging doubt that I might fail and that this summer might end up being no different than every other. And yet, I've been twisted up inside for months now about my vanity - it shouldn't matter what I look like; it's about being healthy; don't hold yourself simply to how you look in a bikini.

These fears sit so uncomfortably next to the idea that I can accept my body the way it is. Honestly the less there is of it the more I like it and I still wish that it could be firmer, slimmer, stronger, better. So I love my body, but......Unconditional self love? I don't think so. It feels so wrong to admit the truth that a big part of what I really want is to look better.


  1. I think its perfectly okay to admit something like that. We're all human, so we're all a little vain and want to look better. If it weren't for my vanity I'm sure I wouldn't be so diligent about my food and exercise habits. But I think in some ways its a good thing, because if we need that to keep on track and stay healthy, then what works, works, right? As long as you enjoy it and are happy with yourself, I think it's all good!

    - Sagan

  2. Sagan - Thank you and I think you are right. It just feels so wrong when you hear the message that we should 'just love ourselves the way we are'. But it's true, it helps keep the motivation up!

  3. kudos to you for finishing the run! I use the same trick, telling myself I can quit my workout after the first circuit. Once I start, I don't like to admit defeat. :)

  4. I love the idea that the universe gave you twenty bucks for finishing your run. :)

    Looking better is a side effect of being fit. I say: Just go with it. :)



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